some jokes

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,

and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !"


A new council tax evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live
in a nice area.That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in
a rough area.
There is a huge council house in our street.The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.Her car isn't taxed or
insured and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper
blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's
girlfriend.but nothing has been proved yet.
All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest,who everyone
thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying
in nightclubs.They are out of control.
I hate living near Windsor Castle .

How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if the understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out " YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUK'N DEAD.........."

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, I sure am."
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger."

If you receive an email
from the
Department of Health
telling you not to eat
canned pork
because of
swine flu............
Ignore it.

It's just Spam.

lmao!

nice jokes... last one i heard before... but always makes me giggle.